Desperate Times, Desperate Measures
by Gabberwocky
Summary: Lex Luthor has a stalker and goes to...the Justice League...GASP...for help. Post Starcsossed, Pre JLU. HELP WANTED...
1. Chapter 1

Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Summary: Lex Luthor has a stalker and goes to....the Justice League gasp for help. Beware...crap ensues...Post Starcsossed, Pre JLU.

Lex Luthor, owner of Lexcorp, enemy of Superman, future decimator of the Justice League, current governor of Metropolis, number 1 on Metropolis' A-list, enemy of politicians everywhere, enemy of the Justice League, one of the cockiest bastards alive (oh well, his money makes up for his lack of manners.) current owner of the Daily Planet and the rich guy that everybody knew about, was being terrorized by an insane young woman, 27 years of age. Everyday a letter with a different flower scent came flying through the mail slot in his door. Some were relatively normal, as normal as normal was, by his standards, others, downright sick and wrong by everybody's standards, and the latter, erotic things not meant to be put on paper. He kept one of the letters that fell into that category. And finally, there was one letter that fell under "How the hell did you get my freakin' address? Which nuthouse are you writing from?" He kept that one. He was absolutely terrified of what the next letter would entail...

Tuesday June 4

Lex groaned miserably as he got out of his bed, very reluctantly. He groaned again when, for about the millionth time, he was alone in that bed. Drat. Drat drat drat and drat again.

He walked to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. Mercy Graves- the chauffeur turned CEO turned maid of Lex Luthor and probably the most embarrassed woman in Metropolis- was sitting on a barstool reading a magazine- entitled "How to Kill a Guy in 10 Days"

Luthor raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

"You. Get me a bagel. And some bacon and eggs. And black coffee with cream." He turned and left, walking with the air of pride and piety and pompousness that was him.

Halfway down the hallway that led to the rest of the mansion, he turned and looked at his maid.

"I don't smell anything cooking." He said.

"Bite me." Mercy muttered, not even bothering to look up from her magazine

"Are you giving me lip, servant? I don't remember hiring you to mouth off at me, you know. I do that enough at work," he said bitingly.

"You know you heard me. Bite me. Want it in Latin? Ictus me. Spanish? Mordame. Anything else you want? Well then, get it yourself. Glad to be of service," she countered.

Mercy stalked out the large kitchen.

She herself had an engagement to go to. She was happily fired, and even if Luthor wanted her back, to hell with him. He was a mean, manipulative, sick, twisted bastard in desperate need of a wife, a hobby, or both.

But Mercy only cared about her new found freedom as she changed out of that evil black and white maid's outfit into a green blouse and a pair of jeans. She packed all her belongings into a knapsack and departed from that wretched mansion, whose owner was the object of Mercy's deepest, darkest hatred.

Still June 4 (afternoon)

Lex sat up in his bed reading the paper. The headline: Luthor's Proposition of A Tax Hike- For the adding of a new science building for the Metropolis University.

He chuckled to himself. He put down the paper and flipped on the TV.

Snapper Carr (isn't he cool) loomed onto the screen.

"And in news today, Luthor's Tax hike sparks conflict with a group of Metropolians. They have started a not-so-peaceful demonstration. We go to Randi Darien for more."

The camera switched to a brunette female reporter, obviously new to the job.

"Tha-thank you, Sna- Snapper. He-here I am, in front of the Lexcorp building. 24 rioters are here with signs, suggesting the impeachment... And eventual...death of Lex Luthor."

The camera again switched to the 24 demonstrators. Signs such as "Luthor, NO, to hell he must go," , "Bought votes are Not Votes", "Criminal in power, we're dead in an hour," and other catchy insults were presented.

Luthor flipped the TV off and went to check if he had received any mail, whether it was hate mail, love mail, fan mail and the most recent, stalker mail.

Lex read the letter on the pink stationery over and over again. He was now, genuinely freaked out of his usually cool, collected, evil mind.

"Lex, darling, love of my life, all my days I dream of spending the rest of my life with you. On my walls are pictures of you, an uncountable number of them. It is a shrine to you and yours and all my fantasies of being with you for all our eternities. If I could, I would grant us both eternal life so that we could be in each others company until the end of time. I would care for you with all of my life and just to be with you would give me so much pleasure. I live to please you. I hate not being able to see you, for I am afraid of what you will think of me. Damn my foolish innocence and lack of courage. (At this point Lex said out loud 'She's about as innocent as I am.')I wish to meet you in person so much. All of my 27 years, (well, the last 5 years anyway) I have wanted so badly to help in your ultimate want of the decimation of the entire Justice League. I myself think that Superman is such a nauseating, infuriating, glory-hogging, goody-goody Boy Scout and deserves to have his heart dug out with a spoon made of kryptonite. Spoons would hurt more. And Batman, the meddling fool, he should stay in his own territory of Gotham City, and all its upright citizens- by upright I mean Joker, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Riddler, Catwoman, and the like, you know, the citizens that are out for his blood-should massacre him till even his bones are unrecognizable. Harley should feed his useless body to her hyenas. Flash should run on a minefield, loaded with Isogenic isotopes of nitric acid, which should blow him up and kill him before you can say Good Riddance. The green man...or Martian if you must have formalities...should be hurled into the fiery Pit of Tartarus. And we could sell tickets to see him burn. And the Amazon, damn her uncopyrightable (uncopyrightable is the longest word in English with no repeated letters) beauty, her face should be bashed head first into a 10 foot thick adamantium wall until she penetrates it and goes all the way through, only that there would be 999 more walls for her to be smashed through. Princess no more, eh? And the Green Lantern. Just take away his ring and have him shot or something! At least the bird on got quite smart and left before she could be fully corrupted with care and goodness and all that jazz. I love you,

You Secret Admirer

Lex wanted to vomit. And barf and throw up. She was crazier than Joker was- and, wow, that was saying a lot. It was saying much more than just a lot. It was saying that she was a whole world of crazy. Not even _normal _crazy. _Crazy crazy._ Lex came to the conclusion- he needed protection-a bodyguard, a bouncer, the US Military.. And she was in super, ultra, mega need of a psychiatrist, medication and a nuthouse. And there were only 6 people that could help him in a case so deeply disturbing and wrong.....

**_China Croix here! Anybody interested in what is going on? Suggestions very welcome!!! Send in the reviews and I'll send in the chapters!_**


	2. Chapter 2

Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Chapter 2- So what? I'm RICH!

(AN: I decided to make it in the JLU continuity…Make things a little more…interesting….)

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

"I'm offering you a bargain you just can't refuse!" Luthor said, almost pleadingly. He was trying to strike a deal with Superman, trying hard, though he had a bat's chance in Heaven.

Lex started again. "I'll pay for every last bit of damage done to your stupid little tower! "

Superman cut him off. "We already have a new tower….better than the last I might add."

Luthor paused for a split second. "Hell, I'll pay for _emotional _trauma, and send you all to the best shrink in the _world_! Just get rid of this crazy woman! Name it! I'll never bother you in the rest of your existence of your stupid little league!"

_**-I'm such a liar…-**_

Superman's arms remained crossed over his muscular chest (he looks like he has steroids for daily meals…). "No dice, Luthor."

Lex racked his ever-working, never-resting brain to think of some method to get Superman to help his ultimate in freaky situation. He had two plans left:

"Have you no _sympathy_ for a _dying _man?" he asked, his new plan, playing on Big Blue's guilt.

Superman thought for a bit. "Not when he's you, sorry." he replied nonchalantly.

**_-Damn! It failed!_**- Luthor said to himself, thinking of another way to get the Justice League's help.

_That's it! _Luthor thought finally.

"I'll destroy every ounce of kryptonite I own. Red and green. What do you say?" Luthor's brain hurt from all the thinking and swindling and brain-racking he did in the span of about an hour and a half.

This got Superman wondering.

"And what's in it for the rest of the league?" asked the Boy Scout.

"Well…" Luthor was in a predicament. "It works for Supergirl." He wasn't quite aware of what the other leaguers wanted. "I'll find a girlfriend for Flash, a hobby for the Bat…"

Superman shook his head at him, laughing to himself at the utter panic-stricken Luthor.

"Fine, Luthor, I'll do it." he said finally.

Later that Day…..

Superman was in the Conference Room with some members of the League, relating the events of the past few hours to them in various assimilated tones of amusement and false concern riddling his voice.

"Luthor has a stalker and he wants us to find her and stop her." he said, holding back a snicker.

Flash, on the other hand, laughed out loud.

"A…a…STALKER?" he asked incredulously, snickering.

"Yup…a stalker." Superman said, smiling a bit. He shook his head. "And he's really freaking out…But his situation is, well, odd."

He unfolded a massacred-looking piece of paper and showed it to Batman.

Superman could have _sworn _ that he had seen a smile on his face.

"Odd indeed." he said, passing the paper on to Question who read bits and pieces of it out loud.

"This is obviously a ploy to get Luthor to surrender his kryptonite collection. The pink stationery is indicative of the veracity of the statement, which is false…"

He rambled on, spewing off conspiracy theories about it as if it was going out of style.

"So are we helping him or not? I said I would, after all, what's the harm in one stalker?"

"Stalkers is a term synonymous with Psychotic Guardian Angel. You'd be surprised to what lengths one would go just to corner their prey, backed into a wall…to have them all for themselves…."

"So are we or not? I could use a mission with laughs included…" Flash said, grinning.


End file.
